Grief Support

The amount of people who have surrounded our family and friends has been overwhelming.  Losing a child is losing a part of yourself.  Having wanted the child, carrying it beneath your heart for 9 months, feeling it grow,move, wiggle, growing in love for it, then comes the day, the baby is ready to come out and face the world.

You labor, worrying that all will be okay, that this child will have all its fingers and toes, what color hair or will it have hair?  Who will it look like, what sex will it be?  And then, the moment arrives and the baby's head appears, you rest a minute and then the final pushes, and out comes your love, your child.

It's a girl!  No hair, big ears, beautiful.  The cord is cut, she is on her own, you hold her to your breast and she learns to nurse.  I named her Naomi Ren and she never left my side.  I was scared now, I did not know the first thing about actually being a mother, had read all the books, but that is not how it is.  Naomi had colic, she cried and cried until she passed out.  Nothing seemed to help and some people told me it was she wasn't getting enough milk from me.  Thankfully, her doctor was great and he told me she was gaining and healthy, the colic would pass.  It did and she grew.  

Her laugh, her smile, her learning to do everything, all were so precious.  I over reacted when she sneezed, there was no one around who could teach me, but Naomi and I learned together.  I loved her more than anything in this world.

I had to make a horrible choice when her father left me.  I gave up my child for a better life.  I had no family, no career, nothing except my love for her and that couldn't give her food nor any of the extra's.  When she was 12 years old, her father and step-mother divorced and I was told that Naomi didn't want to live with me, she wanted to stay with her step-mom.  I said okay with my voice, my heart broke in a million pieces.  Once again, I felt I was doing the right thing for her.

Due to life and bad choices, we became separated.  In my dreams, thoughts and prayers, I made a life for her.  She had it all, a family, love, everything.  Then, her son, Jonah, found me on FaceBook.  

We connected, Naomi and I reconnected and share reality.  It was not good, parts were, her sons, her friends, but she had been hurt.  Lies had been told.  She was angry at me and shared all her hurt and anger.  I told her my side of her story.  I told her that if I had known the truth, I would have did whatever it took to get her back into my life.  I didn't know.  We dealt with all the hurt, anger, the feelings, forgave each other, and began to reconnect in love.  We made plans to get together, her and her boys and me and my family.  Being poor, we planned in two years, saving.  We thought we had time.

Time ran out and I shall never see her again in this place.  I can never hold her, laugh with her, cry together.  That disappeared when she died.  

Never again will I let time get the better of me.  Naomi was unconsciously telling us all that her time was running out.  She had reconnected with many people in the recent months.  Somehow she knew she would be leaving and wanted a final closure.  Everyone that I have talked with since her death told me, I haven't heard from Naomi for years.  She knew.

The pain of having your child die is the worst I have ever had.  I feel like a part of my body has been ripped out and is gone.  I won't get better, this won't go away, but, the Lord gives me comfort in knowing that when I go, I will be with her again.

It, death, is not suppose to happen like this.  I am the one with a terminal illness, I should have gone before my 15 year old grandson and my oldest daughter.  I suppose I am being taught yet another lesson, but right now, I am not sure what it is.  Maybe, the Lord is teaching me how to prepare my family?  Maybe, He is showing me that I need to love more, not let time control me.